Monday, 6 July 2015

Putting the OCD back into the OCD Cook

Considering the name of this blog and how big a factor mental illness has sometimes been in my life, my OCD hasn't been a massive part of most of my posts.

This is a good thing.

When life is going well, I can sometimes almost forget that I'm an anxiety-ridden mess of a human being for a few hours and enjoy doing awesome things like reading or going to the cinema or giggling at cats on Youtube.  

You know, normal life stuff.

But when things start to go a bit bad, the spiral into full-on depression can be terrifyingly quick.  Take this week.  In many ways, it's been good.  We've found a place we want to move into, started the paperwork and packing process, and I've had some positive feedback on the writing I've been doing.  These are all good feelings.

The trouble with OCD, though, is that none of these positives can be taken at face value.  Every event has to be mentally poked and prodded to expose the holes, to tease out the negatives hiding behind the positives.  

It's all very tiring.

Currently, I'm spending most of my free time cleaning, tidying, boxing stuff up, blah.  Everything is dirty.  Everything is contaminated.  I haven't felt comfortable for a fortnight.

From the outside, I probably seem normal.  I've got control over my compulsions for the most part (when I'm unusually distressed, you may notice certain repeated hand movements or me muttering nonsense phrases under my breath) but stopping the incessant worries and paranoid thoughts is a much trickier proposition.  I've not managed it yet.

So this is the place in which I've found myself this week, literally making myself sick with worry over a thousand eventualities that I can't control.  I've been binge eating and not exercising, and feel about as crap as I've done in a long time.  Thankfully, if OCD is good for anything, it's for becoming obsessive about making change.  Today, I'm back on the diet, have some gym sessions planned, and will work on focusing my efforts on the parts of the world that I can actually affect.  

The full extent of the damage: as of July 6 2015, I weigh 11 stone 3 (71.2 kgs).  Again.

I'm a bit gutted really.  Having had a tough (albeit successful) first half of the year, I'd been thinking of the second half of the year as an opportunity to get on top of all the things I've had to sideline for the sake of work.  Instead, I've let outside events influence my mental health and have struggled because of it.  I take heart from knowing that you sometimes have to remember how bad bad can be in order to motivate yourself to be better. Not a lesson to repeat any time soon though, ok Brain?

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